I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
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Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Siri, fight Alexa.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.