I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
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“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Meow?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.