Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.