I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
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For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
The legends were true
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
saw this in a dream
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Who says great literature is dead?
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.