I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
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Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
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Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Simple
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Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Don’t we all.
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Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935