Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Cake safety first. Always.

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.