I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
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After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
men are simple creatures
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Tremendous stuff
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I want what they have
Care for your back
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
This joke is 7 years old
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*