I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
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It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
We are the people our parents warned us about.