[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
You Might Also Like
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.