Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.