I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
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Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Admin smashed it 😂
