@GensPlace

I only eat vegetarians.

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@SuperJuanderer

[psychiatrist who used to be a cheerleader] you seem aggressive seem seem aggressive

@CopernicusG

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

@robdelaney

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

@KaysNH

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

@SadieSmithRoks

Is no shave November just for men?

Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.

@ehdannyboy

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

@MamaFizzles

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

@TheToddWilliams

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

@jonnysun

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]