I only eat vegetarians.

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[psychiatrist who used to be a cheerleader] you seem aggressive seem seem aggressive


What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best


I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.


A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.


Is no shave November just for men?

Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.


“I’m leaving you”


“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”


*slams door*


Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.


[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?


KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?


INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]