I only eat vegetarians.
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ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
This makes total sense…
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.