Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

*My kids are fighting*

9yo: You’re acting like a baby !

6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.