I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
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Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Stop being racist to kettles.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”