Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.