I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
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It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.