Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel…

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same