Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

how to have fun when you’re poor

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?