Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

Not helping

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

People buying plungers never look happy.

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich