Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

Wake me when AI does housework

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’