Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample