i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
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14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Joker: wait, you take photos of yourself and sell them to the paper where you work, to your boss who hates you?
Spider-Man: yea.
Joker: lol
Spider-Man: lmao
Joker: LMAO
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
like swimming in quick dry cement
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.