Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.