Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.