Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

🤨

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.