Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.