I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
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It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
shut up and take my money
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
they really wanted me dead for this
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.