Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

🙅🏻

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

Swedish for common sense.

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

I didn’t mean to gain weight

It happened by snaccident

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

Lmao

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out