I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
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ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
Fluff me with a fork baby
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*