I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
You Might Also Like
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.