Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

This could be us but you eatin’

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.