I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
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Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism