Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”

JUST. TWO. THINGS.

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle

villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

Rich people don’t understand cereal

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.