I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
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Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
*checks Timeline*…
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.