Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

Someone called a truck stop a trailer park today and at first I was like “idiot” but then I was like that actually makes more sense

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

my dog when i have a friend over