I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
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If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
“what that mouth do?” complain
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!