I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
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Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
[montage of me giving-up]
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.