Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

I’m a self-made hundredaire

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.