I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
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If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes