I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
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Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Merry Christmas
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Any refunds available?…
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*