I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
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Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.