I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
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Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
when dads have a rap battle
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Just why bro?!
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd