Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH

Me: lmao go ahead I can take it

Townspeople: you have a dumb face

Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.