I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
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Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
ew if literal: let me be clear
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
welp
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face