I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
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I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.