I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
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I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Passwords are more important than ever.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times