I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
You Might Also Like
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick