I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
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*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.