Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.