I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
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I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
looks legit
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail