I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
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A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!
Phone camera: lol is it?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no