I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
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[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
ibopfufen
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.