Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.

He seems nice.

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.