I only look at Wordle for the articles
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*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
