I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.