Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

What about a To-Don’t List?

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.