I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
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amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
life finds a way
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
