I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
You Might Also Like
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.