I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
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There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you