“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
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This is amazing.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.