“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
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You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh ManateeScientists start rage screaming
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
first you must answer his riddles
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.