“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
You Might Also Like
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.