I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
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I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
when a toddler tells a story
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”