I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
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Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly