I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
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While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Phonetics
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Breaking news:
Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once