I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
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“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.