Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”

New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

Overindulged this afternoon.

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out