I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
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It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
The game has officially changed 😎
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb