Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

Every photo I’m tagged in

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

I see your IQ test came back negative

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.