I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
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Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow