I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
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You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Cheers Twitter.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*