I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
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[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
okay run it by me one more time
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
tfw you realize …
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly